Link's Party Redux
by DookieMan
Summary: Link decides to have a party and invite all of his friends. Sounds simple enough... right? What chaos will ensue here? Please read and review! Redux of my original story from about three years ago. Much more mature and easier to understand.
1. Chapter 1

**Wow, I wrote this story three freaking years ago. Back then I was a little immature kid, which made for a very immature story. However, some people seemed to like it, and I think it seems kind of funny, but I'd like to make it funnier, more organized, and overall more mature with the jokes. Kind of stupid how I used the word "perve" and "gay" a lot. Anyway, here's Link's Party Redux! Enjoy! Please read and review!**

**P.S. Zelda and Sheik are different characters. I don't know, I felt like it.**

It's a Saturday night at Link's bachelor pad. He was having a party that night. All his friends, Rauru, Darunia, Ruto, Nabooru, Malon, Zelda, Saria, and Impa, are there. Just one friend missing…

The doorbell rings. Link walks over to it, and sees Ganondorf. "Hey man, what took you so long?"

"Well… work was a pain in the arse…"

***

Ganondorf is working at the drive-thru at McDonald's. The customer, an old man, asks, "yes… I'll have a Whopper."

"Sorry sir, this is a McDonald's. We don't sell that here. Do you want a Big Mac instead?"

"No, the doctor says they are bad for my cholesterol and besides, I can't open my mouth wide enough to put them in. I'll just have a Whopper."

"Look, a Whopper is just as bad for you anyway. It doesn't really matter right now because we don't have any Whoppers."

The old man, with a tear down his eye, says "…but they're so tasty"

"Uh…" sighed Ganondorf, "this will take a while."

***

Link replied "whatever, shit happens. Let's forget about that and party!" Link and Ganondorf walk into the main room where all their friends are. "What do you guys all wanna do?"

"Let's watch a movie!" says Ruto.

"Let's dance!" says Saria.

"Let's paint our nails and talk about cute boys!" says Rauru. Everyone stares at him in complete silence. "Um… yeah."

After about a minute, Link breaks the silence. "Um… yeah. I got some CDs here." Link looks through his CD collection and mutters what he sees. "Hm… Jay-Z… Marilyn Manson… Death… Rick Astley… and um… Dance Mix. How 'bout Dance Mix?"

The music starts and everybody starts dancing. Ganondorf slowly comes to Nabooru, in a voice where he is trying too hard to sound manly. "Oh yea Nabby!" At this, she slaps him right in the face. "Hey baby, remember that time when…" Before he can finish his sentence, he gets slapped again. He walks away sad.

Rauru does the same as Ganondorf, only to Link. "Hey pretty boy, wanna dance?"

"Hahahaha… no." replies Link, laughing sarcastically.

"You're looking cute tonight…"

"Fuck off pervito."

In a nearby room, Ganondorf and Darunia are casually playing pool. "Those were the good ol' days…" says Ganondorf.

"Hell they were. Being with my friends and all and picking up babes… Good times, good times."

"I gotta admit, probably better for me. I mean, I'm the King of Evil, heh. I mean, I'm the only male in my race in 100 years, and I had hundreds of hot Gerudo chicks all over me!"

"Gerudo chicks sure are hot. Especially that Nabooru chick." Ganondorf and Darunia laugh.

Back on the dance floor, Ruto asks Link, "hey Link, wanna get away from all this madness and go somewhere a little more private?"

"Hell no! I'm having a-" Before he could finish, Ruto punches Link in the gut and drags him to his room and locks the door.

Nearby, Zelda, Malon, and Nabooru are arguing about how they all were going to ask out Link tonight. One by one, all the girls get into a catfight. Ganondorf and Darunia quit their game of pool and rush to the catfight. "Oh yeah! Let's go Nabooru!" cheers Ganondorf.

Rauru also rushes to the scene. He screams "Link is my man!" and jumps to the center of the catfight. All the girls back away, leaving Rauru stranded in the middle. Everybody else freezes in silence.

"Hey… where is Link anyway?" asks Malon. The three girls find a locked door and hear noises inside. Zelda uses her magic to unlock the door. They all scream in disgust. They see the disgusting sight of a slimy, sweaty, Ruto on top of Link.

"Shit…" sighed Link.

**So, what did you guys think? Better than my original so far? I know this is short, but I will make the other chapters longer.**


	2. Chapter 2

"What the hell are you doing to Ruto?" questioned Zelda.

"Okay, look. She's like, raping me. I had nothing to do with this," replied Link.

"Is that even possible…?" asked Nabooru.

"Oh, it's _very_ possible," replied Rauru.

"Old man, what the _fuck_ is that supposed to mean?" said Link. "Anyway, ladies, this isn't my fault. Give me a break." Zelda, Malon, and Nabooru glare at him, disbelieving.

Back in the kitchen, everybody else is having a different problem… Ganondorf, dressed in a top hat and a suit, says in his masculine voice, "Ganondorf the Great will begin his show in two minutes!"

"Hurry up!" whined Saria.

"Patience, little one," said Darunia to Saria.

"Okay… lemme just gather my shit here…" said Ganondorf, organizing his set.

"Ahem…" coughed Darunia, towards Ganondorf's swearing.

"Okay then, Ganondorf the Great will now make somebody disappear! Who would be oh so kind to volunteer!"

"Oh! I wanna!" said Saria with excitement. As she was walking up to Ganondorf, Darunia holds her back, giving a disapproving glare to Ganondorf. Impa and Sheik glance at each other, seeing if any one of them would actually volunteer.

After a minute of silence, Sheik finally volunteers. "I can disappear anyway, but I wonder if you can actually make me." He walks into a booth, and Ganondorf covers the cloth.

Ganondorf readies his magic wand, waves it, and says the words "Abra! Kadabra! Alakazam!" He then opens the curtain. Sheik is gone, but Rauru is in his place, wearing nothing but a red thong.

Darunia quickly stands up, and Saria covers her eyes. "Impa, get Saria out of here. I need to teach Ganondorf…" Darunia punches inside his hand, "a lesson."

"Look man, I didn't do it…" pleaded Ganondorf, slowly walking backwards with his hands up.

"You didn't plan it my ass. Prove it."

"I don't know, man, it just happened!"

Darunia slams Ganondorf against the wall. "Tell me!"

Ganondorf sees Rauru run out of the booth and skip outside. "Look! Because of our stupid argument he's getting away! He's gonna molest the children! The children!"

Darunia immediately takes his hands off of Ganondorf. Sheik breaks out of the booth he "disappeared" in. The three men run outside with rifles.

Back in the bedroom, problems still ensue… "Okay girls, Ruto is a gross fish lady. She's just obsessed with me."

Malon replied "well then, who do you like?"

"Well, erm… I kinda like Nabooru."

"I could've sworn it was Zelda…" said Ruto.

"Okay… can you please just get off of me now?" said Link.

"Oh… I completely forgot about that. Yeah."

Malon, Ruto, and Zelda stare coldly at Nabooru. They all stand there for a minute, but then Nabooru sprints away. The three girls follow. The house has now become a madhouse of girls chasing each other. All of a sudden, a machine gun is heard. "Enough is enough!" screamed Impa. "I have had it with these motherfucking chicks in this motherfucking house! I'm about to open some fucking windows…"

Everybody goes silent for a while. Link breaks the silence with, "yeah… good movie reference, but the windows part doesn't really make sense…"

"Jesus Christ, Impa," said Ruto, "I'm gonna tell Rauru for being so violent!"

"What's he gonna do, spank me?"

"Exactly."

"Um… huh?" Impa thinks for a moment and runs to the bathroom.

"Jeez Ruto…" said Link, "that was harsh. I mean, it's not only that he's gross, she's a lesbian. That's like saying that to a guy. It's even worse for us than it would be for you."

"She's a lesbian? Oh god, I feel awful."

"I mean, I haven't gotten any official word or shit, but I mean, how isn't she?"

"Yeah, it was sorta obvious, Ruto…" said Zelda.

Outside it's pitch black, around midnight, and the guys are still on the search for Rauru. "Shouldn't we have killed this guy like, a while ago?" said Ganondorf.

Rauru sneaks up behind Darunia and squeezes his ass. "What's up, sexy thang?"

"God Dammit!" Darunia turns around and shoots his rifle, but nothing was there.

"Haha, dude, what the hell was that?" asked Sheik.

Darunia, trying to catch his breath, said, "nothing… just a vision of a bad memory…"

Ganondorf quickly said directly afterwards, "I see him!" In the distance, you could see Rauru mooning the guys. Ganondorf, not holding anything back, shoots Rauru directly in the butt crack.

"Waaaaah!" wailed Rauru.

"Sweet! Nice job, Ganondorf!" said Sheik.

"Ah… don't thank me. Now, the children are safe, and that's what matters."

"Idiots! He's not dead! He's running away! Get him!"

The guys follow Rauru as fast as they can. They don't know where he is going, but they just know to follow…

**So, what did you guys think? Feel free to send me suggestions (I can always add more to the original story and/or make a sequel) and read and review. More chaos next chapter.**


	3. Chapter 3

Now that everything is pretty much settled, the girls pretty much forget about Link's thing for Nabooru. She tries to make a quiet getaway with Link. They get in her car.

"Phew, we're safe from those sluts…" said Nabooru, relieved. Right then, the car stopped and the engine completely exploded, making a noise that all of the girls could clearly hear.

"They're getting away!" screamed Malon at the top of her lungs. The three girls run out to the car and surround it.

"Shit…" whispered Nabooru. Link casually walked out of the car, as if nothing was going on. Nabooru pulled him back into the car by his hair. She screamed, "what the hell are you doing!?" He gave in, and walked back in the car.

"Um… so what do we do now?" asked Ruto.

"Uh… yeah. I really have no clue. I guess we'll make Link come out somehow," responded Zelda. She used her magic to pull Link out of the car, hovering in the air. Nabooru continued to pull Link by the hair.

"Nabby, let go!" screamed Link in pain.

"Not until the slut lets go!" she responded. Ruto goes behind Nabooru and touches her with her slimy skin, causing her to let go of Link. Link comes flying out of the car, landing on his back. The three girls surround him, and start to take away his masculinity, all at the same time. Nabooru is busy dealing with the slime on her skin.

After about a few minutes of hell, the three girls look up, scream, and run away. Link stays there, only to see Rauru flying towards him. "Shit…"

"Mwahahaha! I gotcha now, Link!"

"Get him off of me! Help!"

Ganondorf, Darunia, and Sheik appear. Ganondorf immediately aims and shoots Rauru. "We got him!" yelled Ganondorf. Darunia and Sheik start to dance with each other in happiness.

"Oh my! You're a great dancer!" said Darunia, half-sarcastically.

Sheik responds, "I did ballet in third grade." The two continue dancing, with Darunia's arms around Sheik's waste and him holding Sheik in the air, and that sort of stuff.

Meanwhile back inside, Saria asks Impa. "what was going on earlier?"

Impa responded, "well, we'll have to find a new Sage of Time…"

"What did he do!?"

"I'll tell you when you're older."

After about a minute, Saria realized what she said. "I won't get any older. _Fuck_ you."

Impa's eyes light up. "A young girl like you shouldn't use such language. I guess that means you're older now."

Back outside, the three guys are walking back inside. "That was great, just like old times," said Darunia.

"Come on guys, pick up the pace. I got some steaks and beer! Everybody's pretty much gone, so no one will ever know!" said Ganondorf.

"Woot!" said Darunia in excitement. "This is the best night of my life…"

Link is still on the ground, scarred for life from the three-way rape and the homosexual rape back to back. Nabooru, now safe, goes out to see Link. "Come on, let's go. It's gonna be alright. I'll give you something to make up for all of that." Link lays there, emotionless and scarred. Nabooru picks up Link on her shoulders and starts walking away. "I can't go back there, those sluts wouldn't stop annoying me there," she said to Link.

The three guys make their way inside. They see Saria on Impa's lap, with Impa touching her in… you know, not good places. "Impa… what the hell is this?" said Darunia, frustrated.

Impa quickly puts her hands to her sides. "I was just doing her hair. She's had the same hairstyle for hundreds of years, thought I'd change it up a bit."

"Okay, we all knew you were a lesbian, but this is just absurd. Do we have to find a new Sage of Shadows too?"

"Um… no! Of course not! I wasn't doing anything anyway! I'll do anything! Anything!"

Ganondorf said, "we'll decide on that later. For now, don't tell anyone we got drinks and smokes and stuff."

"Hold on Ganondorf," said Darunia, "I think we need to make Saria feel a little better."

Ganondorf stands there, confused. "You don't want me to do magic, do you? You hate my magic."

Darunia looks back at him, and screams, "just do it!" Ganondorf puts his hands up and runs back to gather his magician materials.

A few minutes later, Ganondorf returns in costume. "Ladies and gentleman! I will now perform my most original trick! I will cut someone in half, and then put them back together!" The small audience claps. "I will now ask for my lovely assistant!" No one shows up. "…ahem!" Still no one. "Sheik, you're a friend of mine. I really don't want to have to hurt you." Sheik comes out in a sparkling red, women's suit looking very unhappy. He has a large booth on wheels which could fit a person. "Sorry man, but you look most like a girl. Besides, we all know you're Zelda."

"Pshh… I'm not Zelda. I probably have a bigger dick than you. How would that be possible anyway? You've seen us separately."

"Look, we've all played Ocarina of Time and saw that you were actually Zelda. You also have boobs that you like to cover up. Stop hiding it, you're Zelda."

"Oh yeah!" screams Sheik in a deep voice, "what the _fuck_ do you call this, then!?" as he grabs his crotch.

"A potato."

Sheik, infuriated, readies a punch at Ganondorf.

A machine gun is heard. Sheik and Ganondorf look to their side to see Impa with it in her hands. "Enough is enough! I have had it with these…"

"Impa, no. Just no. I already heard you the first time," interrupts Saria. Impa sits down, angrily.

"Anyway… who would like to volunteer?" asked Ganondorf.

"Me! Me! Me!" said Saria, excitedly.

"No, Saria," said Darunia.

Nobody volunteers. "Uh…" sighed Sheik. He lays down inside the booth.

"I shall now cut him in half, and then put him back together!" Ganondorf gets a saw and cuts through the box. Next thing you know, Sheik is screaming in pain as Impa, Ganondorf, Darunia, and Saria rush him to the hospital.

**What will happen next!? Stay tuned! R&R.**


End file.
